Mastering the subtle and complex art of the #humblebrag*

*Disclaimer: Fully aware that this whole post is a humblebrag

Like most new(ish -- now that Eli is nearly 2 I suppose I need to add the "ish") parents, I could easily brag about my kid all day. Unfortunately, bragging about a human being who still requires supervision in the bathtub is somewhat gauche. Also, when you're a new(ish) parent and you brag to a non-parent about your kid's accomplishments, their reaction is generally underwhelming.

Me: "Eli just started saying 'yes' this weekend. It is SO CUTE!"
Non-Parent: "Um, what did he say before?"
Me: "Well, nothing. Like if you asked him if he wanted cheese, he'd say, 'Cheese?' But now, he says, 'Yes,' and it is so cute! I'll say, 'Eli, do you want to help Mommy do the laundry?' and he'll say, 'Yes.' So cute!"
Non-Parent "..."

As a new-new mom, I wasn't really into bragging about Eli's babycomplishments. Partially because (sorry, Eli) there wasn't much to brag about (late sitter, late crawler, average sleeper). I mean, yes, he was the cutest and squishiest baby on the planet with kissable cheeks like two juicy tomatoes (um, ahem). But let's be honest, if you've seen one video of an infant rolling over you've seen them all.

Then Eli hit toddlerhood, and the milestones became more and more interesting to me. My kid can run! Scoot! Sing! The urge to brag was suddenly irresistible.

Unfortunately for me, it's still in poor taste to brag too much. That's why for the past year I have been working on mastering the subtle and complex art of the humblebrag, a totally 21st-century term which Urban Dictionary defines thusly:

Subtly letting others now about how fantastic your life is while undercutting it with a bit of self-effacing humor or "woe is me" gloss.

(I believe the original humblebragger was Benjamin Franklin, who said, "Hide not your talents, for use they were made. What's a sun-dial in the shade?")

Humblebragging about your toddler can also be hashtagged #momofanawesomekidproblems --  basically the equivalent of #firstworldproblems or #whitepeopleproblems.

Every parent has their own humblebrag expertise. Like this weekend I was talking to a mom who has trouble getting out of the house early because her kid is such a good sleeper that she doesn't get out of bed until almost 9 a.m. (whereas the only reason we are such impressive early birds in my house is because Eli is screaming his head off every. single. morning before 5:30). Or those moms who are like, "Should I be worried that my kid eats an obscene amount of fresh vegetables and turns up his nose at processed foods?" Or my personal favorite, "My daughter is potty trained so early that I can't even seem to find underwear small enough to fit her!"

My humblebragging weakness is Eli's language. My kid is a talker. He wasn't a particularly early talker, and he started off pretty low-key (his first word was "ball"). But being a pretty verbal person myself, hearing him collect more and more words has really jazzed me up as a parent in this last year of toddlerhood.

My descent into humblebragging started innocently enough. "Oh man," I'd say casually when Eli had just a few words, "Eli thinks every single vehicle he sees is a bus! 'Bus, bus, bus,' that's all I hear all day."

Or, "I don't know how we'll ever take Eli's pacifier away now that he knows to ask for it. He doesn't even call it a paci, he enunciates it super clearly: pa-see-fi-er!"

Once he could put words together, the ball really started rolling. "We're definitely in the terrible 2s now," I'd say. "Eli's first full sentence ever was 'Don't touch it, Mommy!'"

"Ugh," I'd moan. "Eli wakes up so early. He comes into our bed and then he'll look out the window and go, 'Oh, it's dark out!' Then as soon as it starts to get light out he'll go, 'The sun is coming up!' And I'm like, Just lay down and go back to sleep!"

Lately, my humblebragging has come to feel a bit desperate. It's basically like, My kid is really awesome, just let me BRAG already. But for some reason, I always feel the need to blunt it with some kind of eyeroll, like, "Ugh, toddlers are so bossy. Eli's latest game is to play with his doctor set by ordering me to cry so he can pretend to give me medicine. He's always running up to me and demanding, 'Mommy, cry more!'"

I think perhaps what we parents need is a sort of reverse Purge, where one day a year we have the freedom to brag about our kids as much as we want without feeling embarrassed. "Eli has started to say 'please' and 'thank you' without prompting! And sometimes he requests that I hold him and rock him like a baby!" (OK, that last thing is not necessarily impressive, it's just really cute.)

So to everyone who's been the victim of a humblebrag attack from me: I apologize. It took me a solid nine months to get the hang of this parenting thing, so when I finally figured out how cool my kid really was, I just wanted to share it with everybody. Humbly.

Now let me tell you about the time we were at the beach and Eli kept pestering other sunbathers by repeatedly informing them, "The ocean is coming! The ocean is coming!"...