If Daniel Tiger were real life

For a long time, the only TV show Eli watched was Chuggington. This is because the first time I ever let Eli watch TV, it was the first show that came up in the alphabetical list of Disney Junior shows on demand. Chuggington is originally a British show (that's been dubbed over with American voices because I guess American children are incapable of following British accents?) about three trainee chuggers.

Koko is the fast one, Brewster is the strong one and Wilson is...kind of the dumb one, to be honest? In every episode Koko learns not to be so competitive and impulsive, Brewster learns not to be so plodding and indecisive, and Wilson learns not to be so distracted and overexcited. It's basically a poor man's Thomas the Tank Engine with zippier pacing and less expensive products (which has become important to us because Eli owns just about every chugger on the show).

Like most parents of toddlers who are attached to a particular program, I've seen every episode of Chuggington multiple times. I've added the phrases "Honkin' horns!" and "Traintastic!" to my everyday vernacular. It was time to expand our repertoire.

On vacation this summer, we cycled through Clifford the Big Red Dog and Caillou, to which I've attempted to heavily limit exposure because everybody knows Caillou is the most irritating bald kid on television.

Shortly after Thanksgiving, Eli had a brief, torrid affair with Doc McStuffins, a little girl who's a "toy doctor" with a magic stethoscope that makes her toys come to life.

Judging by his wide-eyed, moony smile when Doc was on, I suspected he might have his first crush. To this day, if you sing "Time for your check-up!" he'll pantomime checking your ears and eyes and listening to your heartbeat.

But then his love for Doc McStuffins abruptly fizzled out (perhaps the fact that he had to visit the real doctor so dang much this winter had something to do with it). It was move over, Doc McStuffins, make way for...

In terms of toddler shows, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood has a lot going for it. It's a spinoff of the uber-classic Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, with all the puppets from the Land of Make-Believe transformed into cartoon characters. It's gentle and quiet and won't irritate you much if it's playing in the background on a day when your kid is sick and watches 17 episodes in a row (um, this is a hypothetical scenario, of course). Every episode has a theme accompanied by a "strategy song" that all the characters sing to each other to help each other cope with whatever bull$#@! — I mean, challenges — they're dealing with. (In Eli's favorite episode, Daniel and his class go on a walk through the neighborhood to practice safety rules, and they keep singing, "Stop and listen to stay safe.")

Sure, the show has its downfalls. All the characters have their own little catchphrases, some of which I find super irritating. (Why does Miss Elaina need to call everyone "toots"? For that matter, why is her name Miss Elaina?) Much has been made of the fact that Daniel Tiger wears pajama pants at home but doesn't wear any pants to go out in public, and two separate times in the past week someone has asked me why Prince Tuesday needs to work as a waiter and a babysitter if his father is the king (my suspicion: King Friday is a Bill Gates-esque figure who wants his son to learn the value of hard work).

In Eli's mind, he and Daniel Tiger are like kindred spirits. When Daniel Tiger kept crashing into Katerina Kittycat at school and accidentally broke her car costume, Eli decided it would be a good idea to crash into me a lot so that he too could sing at me: "Saying 'sorry' is the first step, then 'How can I help?'" When Daniel Tiger announces his frustration with a "Grrrr!" Eli does too, waiting expectantly for me to sing, "When you're feeling frustrated, take a step back [at this point Eli actually literally takes a step back, which is just as cute as it sounds] and ask for help." When it's time to clean up, Eli sings the Daniel Tiger cleanup song to himself: "Clean up, pick up, put away! Clean up, every day!" Recently Eli ran into the living room holding a toy car and declared, "I found what I was looking for. I'm not frustrated anymore!" Articulation of feelings: made possible by PBS and Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.

But these strategy songs can backfire on us, too. There's one that goes, "It's almost time to stop, so choose one more thing to do...That was fun but now it's done!" All on his own, Eli started saying, "I choose one more thing!" when I would tell him it was time to start getting ready to go. At first it was like, This is fantastic. Who says TV rots your brain? Thanks, Daniel Tiger!

Then he started saying things like, "I choose one more thing to do. I choose...play with my magnets!" Presumably this meant for an indefinite amount of time. My 2-year-old had found a loophole in the Daniel Tiger strategy of parenting. This morning I was complaining to Phil that the song should really go "It's almost time to stop, so play until I count to 10" or, more realistically, "It's almost time to stop, so choose one more thing to do, and then throw a tantrum anyway when it's really time to stop."

In the next room, Eli happened to be watching the episode that goes "When something seems bad, turn it around and find something good."

"It's more like, 'When something seems bad, throw a huge fit and kick and scream,'" I scoffed at Phil.

And so without further ado, I present...

If Daniel Tiger strategy songs were real life

When you're feeling frustrated, take a step back -- then throw some blocks

Find a way to play together by smacking your friend on the head

Making a poop on the potty is one way to say "I love you"

You can take a turn, and then I'll get it back by wrestling it out of your hands and screaming at your face

When you have to go potty, stop and go right away in your pants so you don't have to interrupt your playing

When you wait, you can play with your mom's iPhone that she'll hand you out of desperation if you whine enough

Refuse to try a new food 'cause it probably tastes awful

Clean up, pick up, put away! Then throw everything on the floor again

If you can't do it alone, cry 

Give a squeeze, nice and slow; take a deep breath and then scream really loud

Think about what you're going to do, then refuse to wear the clothes that are right for you

Everyone's job is important, except mine because it's really just a token activity to keep me out of the way

It's OK to feel sad sometimes; your mom will bribe you with a lollipop and you'll feel better again