Baruch dayan ha'emet

When Eli was small, every night at bedtime I'd sing him the Hashkiveinu prayer. Hashkiveinu is like a Jewish "Now I lay me down to sleep": Cause us to lie down in peace and raise us up to life renewed; spread the shelter of Your peace over us; guide us with Your counsel and save us for the sake of Your Name. Shield us from foe, plague, sword, famine and anguish. Remove wrongdoing from before us and behind us, and shelter us in the shadow of Your wings. For it is You, O God, Who protects and rescues us; it is You, O God, Who are our gracious and compassionate King. Safeguard our coming and our going, to life and to peace from now to eternity. Blessed are You, Adonai, Who spreads a shelter of peace over us.

There are lots of English translations of Hashkiveinu — the one we often sing at our temple goes, "Spread the shelter of Your peace over us; guide us in wisdom, compassion and trust; save us for the sake of Your name; shield us from hatred, sorrow and pain" — but the one I sang to Eli went, "O guide my steps and help me find my way; I need Your shelter now; rock me in Your arms and guide my steps, and help me make each day a song of praise to You."

(This is my temple's cantor!)

I thought of the Hashkiveinu when I heard about the shooting at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh, and it went round and round in my head all day: Shield us from hatred, sorrow and pain.

I believe in telling the truth to my child. We've had hard conversations about racism, about Trump, about death. But when he heard me telling Phil that there would be a special service at the beginning of Hebrew school today for adults and older students only, I couldn't bring myself to tell him why. I didn't want him to know.

I thought: It's only a matter of time before someone I know dies in a mass shooting.

On the first Friday of every month we go to a family Shabbat service at our temple. Eli gets really snuggly at these services, and he often sits in my lap and wraps my arms around him like a blanket. I kiss him on the head while we listen to the children's choir, and I get teary-eyed when they sing:

Let there be love
And understanding among us
Let peace and friendship be our shelter from life's storms. 

I wish we didn't have to live this way. I wish we didn't have to die this way.